PlushJobs

I will be with you. Always.

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 00:20:00 -0400

I was the best. Edison can suck it. Lightbulbs are terrible. Ford? An anti-semitic hack. Zuckerberg? You mean the Winklevoss brothers?

I rocked. I invented the future and gave it to you. Everything you dreamed technology could be was handed to you in beveled seamless titanium, white plastic, and without Flash. I put songs in your pocket. I made apps delicious. I made touching glass fun again.

Occupy Wall Street? On October 14th, they’ll be occupying the Apple Store in the West Village.

My influence will be felt for generations. Or at least until we devolve into an idiocracy of soft rotund idiots. But that’s not for another few months.

The company I invented twice has more cash on hand than the federal government. We have a kindly old man from Omaha who mows and tends the grounds at One Infinite Loop, dressed in green overalls with his name stitched above his breast pocket “Warren”.

Face it. There’s no one else like me. Not even close. Part Ghandi, part Tesla, part Kubrick, a heaping of DaVinci, and a dash of Jesus. There won’t be another me. The Universe isn’t cool enough.

So whenever you log on to your MacBook at Starbucks, with Lil Wayne cranking on your iPhone 4S, and hook into iCloud to download another episode of 30 Rock and pretend to be “writing” your “novel”. I’ll be there in a translucent blue glow, swathed in robes, standing with Alec Guinness, nodding approvingly, letting you know that your idea for a novel sucks.

Whoa! Back up the bus!

Thu, 13 May 2010 14:42:15 -0400

According to Yahoo I’m not cool anymore. They said I’m like an old man yelling at kids in my yard. How did this happen? Was it when I sued my dry cleaner for 3 billion (and won) for shrinking one of my turtlenecks? Was it when I stopped freebasing mocaine?

Some people are blaming me for stealing all that blogger’s stuff. Or hating on Flash. Or banning nipples in the app store.

I blame Noah Wylie.

Since perception is 110% of everything, I’ve got to convince people I’m still cool. So, I’m starting this weekend by inviting Jason Chen over to the house for a BBQ. Maroon 5 is doing an acoustic performance and then we’re hitting the sweat lodge. I may even let him have one of his laptops back. And we’re gonna film it all and put it on facetube. Then I’m gonna crash a golf tournament will Bill Murray. Gallagher offered to let me smash some melons at a show in Tulsa next week.

Also, I’m donning some American Apparel chartreuse turtlenecks to go with my Thocks.

I still hate Flash, but Nipples are now welcome in the App store. “30 nips per second” will be the first approved app you can buy for $9.99.

Get off my lawn.

Thoughts on Flash

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 13:27:36 -0400

Apple has a long relationship with Adobe. I ‘shroomed with those homos at the first Burning Man in ‘86. It was me, Larry Harvey, Penn Gillette, Corey Feldman, Buddy from “Charles in Charge” and the Adobe guys. We were trippin balls ‘til the break of dawn.

So Flash sucks. It’s complicated and hard to learn. I just wanted an animated website featuring my cats re-enacting the Battle of Guadalcanal. I had to pay some arrogant hipster with giant headphones and a back-pack for his skateboard like 3 grand. And a bag of shrooms.

So no way am I allowing Flash on my iStuff. But Adobe and Apple will still be strong partners. I’ve decided that Animated GIFs are the future. They’re so funny, LOL ;)

So we’ll only be supporting Shockwave-developed apps and content on our mobile devices. Youtube, Netflix, HULU, Vimeo, are all furiously converting all of their content into low-k animated GIFs.

Conclusions:

Flash Sucks

Buddy from “Charles in Charge” still owes me 30 bucks for gas.

And the Future is 1996.

That is All.

Steve Jobs

April,2010

You've been served

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 22:47:00 -0400

My minions in the DA’s office in San Mateo are hard at work. They got a warrant so I and my crack squad of black-baggers could ransack Jason Chen’s house.

We got it ALL. I’m talking 3 sweet MacBook Pros, A big ‘ol Seagate drive filled with raw footage of some bullshit documentary he’s working on and pics of his wife and family (posting them up soon). An HP MediaSmart server loaded with all 5 seasons of “The Wire”, an “Alice in Wonderland” torrent, and a shit-load of Anime Tentacle-Porn. We also snagged a Samsung digital camera (I would’ve gone with the Canon PowerShot) loaded with some lame pics of a trip up to Napa. Yawn. Deleted. An iPad with not much on it except smudges. We got his wife’s iPhone left on the charger dock. I wonder if Jason has seen all those texts from Brian….hmmmm, Jason? We also took his collection of DC Comics vinyl action figures, a few watercolor prints, and the ice cube trays.

Most insulting was a Thinkpad. I Thinknot. What a traitor. I was gonna put everything back until I saw that lame-ass hunk of black plastic. I personally crushed it with my Segway, after I took an upperdecker in the guest bathroom.

So, in conclusion, all these items and more can be found on Ebay. Meanwhile, Grey and I are heading up to the Trailblazers/Suns game 5 with hotties Grey met on “Hot-or-Not”. Should be a bitchin’ time.

Thanks, Grey

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 08:46:46 -0400

My new bestest friend, Grey Powell, really came through in a jam for me. He totally took the fall for me losing that iPhone 4 prototype that doesn’t exist so stop talking about it.

And when I say fall, I mean he took the fall. Our East German lawyers dropped him from a 3 story window. Not enough to kill, just shattered both femurs, and then he had to crawl 100 yards over a pile of glass and rock salt to kiss the impeccably groomed feet of yours truly. It’s a standard HR practice for employee reprimand here at the Apple.

But now he’s back at work, programming away in a full body cast. Meanwhile, I’ve hired the State Police to harass everyone who had anything to do with the leak. Even you, valued reader. If you’ve talked about it, twatted about it, posted it on your facewall, sent a note to that girl you like about it, or even heard some story in passing about about a leaked product from Apple —but have no idea what it is— you’ll be rounded up and questioned and then forced to sit through 10 hours of Basic iLife tutorials at your nearest Apple Store Labor Camp. At that point Suicide will seem like sweet escape. And you’ll embrace death’s warm bosom as you step into the void….

Give it back now

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:26:00 -0400

So I was Speeder Biking with Noah Wylie and Lucas last week up in the Redwoods. We got pretty parched and stopped in at a local Speeder Biker Bar, you know the one off Route 35? Forest Moondance Diner?

Anyhoo, I lost something, something really really really secret. Tim Cook has threatened to repossess my iLiver and lock me out of the executive bathroom and spa. So if you could be a dear and return it immediately. All you need to do is hold the home and volume up button for 10 seconds and it’ll fly home on it’s own.

A reward will be considered. Perhaps a dip in the plasma baths at my estate. Or a photo opportunity with me and my Cyborg Serv-o-bot, Gary Busey. Or I’ll enable Flash to work on just your personal iPad. Think of the possibilities. An entire army of child-programmers at Adobe developing Flash games and content just for you.

So, please, for the love of god, return the thing. I don’t want it getting out that we’ve outsourced our industrial design to a marketing team from Nokia and Palm. At least not until after the cover-up, frame-job, show-trial, and press conference where I say how sad it is that Tim Cook is going to jail for a long long time.

Oh did I mention that? Sorry. Jony Ive may be about to be “killed” on “accident” by “me” during a disagreement over the outcome of a game of Jenga. Stay tuned for me not getting charged with anything.

Gotcha!

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 15:34:49 -0500

Sooooo burned. You all are soooo burned. LOLZ.

iPad. Seriously? It’s a giant iPhone. Get it? I almost did this:

but then that would’ve been better than the actual iPad, cause you could actually run more than one app at a time.

So you are pissed that the iPad sucks, and frankly, I could give a half a shit. It sucks balls but I’m rich as hell and you will hand me your monies for this……thing……that I came up with while I was baked on……liver medicine. Noah Wylie scores the best liver medicine.

Next up? NanoPad. All the functionality of the iPad, but almost 75% smaller…..

Leaked Picture of Apple Tablet

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 12:38:00 -0500

So someone leaked photos claiming to be the iTab. But it’s not it.

**sigh**

Ok. Here it goes. Here’s the official pic of the new Apple Tablet Computer in action.

It’s much larger than you thought it’d be right? F**k yeah it is. 2010 is bigger baby.

We’re doin’ it HUUUUGE this year at Apple. Bam. Rodney Style.

Hi Rey

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 11:58:41 -0500

I know you’re refreshing this page. A lot. But you gotta cut me some slack. I type very slowly. I’ve got tiny hands. And a new tiny plush liver.

Pound it out

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 11:22:27 -0500

Hey Bitchezzzz. Thought I forgot about you? Well, no, Papa Steve’s been bizzy. I’ve been dreaming up awesomeness for you to worship and fork over the kizz-cash.

It’s called…..the iTab……and yes, it’s a tablet computer…….no not that kind. It’s a asprin-based tab you swallow and it turns you into a human touch pad. Want to launch and App? Rub your nipples. You can see where I’m going with this. Let’s just say your battery will be a little tricky and hilarious to recharge.

The price? Give me all you got.

I'm back bitchez

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 15:43:14 -0400

So I strolled out to a standing O this morning. And of course it lasted nearly an hour. Why shouldn’t it?

So, I’ve been busy big time in the last month, creating many new toys, reinventing the future’s future. I had reinvented it 18 months ago, but wasn’t happy with it, so I sent it back for a redesign. Since my ovation lasted so long, there were several announcements that we couldn’t make due to time running out.

1. The beatles catalog on iTunes. F them, they’re not good enough for itunes. Have you actually ever listened to a Beatles song? They’re awful. Horrible drumming. Horrible lyrics. “Let it Be”? I will NOT let it be! That’s Bill’s motto. Let it be….terrible. Beatles turtlenecks=good, actual Beatles music=gut-wrenching lameness.

2. New hire at Apple. I’m happy to announce Christopher Walken will be joining us as Chief Enforcement Officer. What will he enforce? What WON”T he enforce. I’ve hired him to whip me into shape, terrorize the interns, de-lint my turtlenecks, deliver drugs to the programmers, and track down that Skag Baron Savage Henry.

Look for an announcement from Chris soon. Go F yourself, San Diego.

A lucky winner

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:02:34 -0400

A lucky young lady from Liverpool (a misleadingly named town) found the first lucky exploding iPhone. She wins a 3 day trip to Cupertino with the 5 other lucky kids who will also find exloding iphones. At the factory, they’ll meet the wozaloompas and ride on the chocolate river….not really. They’ll meet some overworked programmers and some chinese laborers toiling in our data mines.

She’s complained that I’m trying to shut her up about the exploding iPhone. Not true. I just don’t want her saying bad things about the iPhone, me, Apple, my appearance, my ego, or my new jeans. As long as she conveys her excitement, and her gratitude, and there’s not another living soul within 50 miles, she can say whatever she wants.

Long time, my friends

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 02:32:17 -0400

Hi all,

I tell you what, having some time to reflect gives one a new outlook on liver. It’s not how much money you have (a shit ton), how many ways you’ve defined the century (many times over), it’s all about making sure the liver you give equals the liver you get.

Liver.

So I got a new Liver. Which is cool. I didn’t need it, it’s just important to have backup. We all have two kidneys for a reason. two testicles. At least two brains. Why not two livers?

But that’s old news.

The new news is all this talk about how awesome I am, and how much Bing sucks. Bing? For reals? You named a search engine after Chandler from “Friends”. He never found anything, especially not true love.

I’m not scared by “Chrome” either. Ask me again in 1988, when it might be a good idea…….(actually, it’s not bad…shhhhhhh)

So what

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 20:22:19 -0400

So sue me, our stock is down 4 points because I didn’t lope onto the stage and steal the show from Scott and Phil.

It was just an iPhone 3GS announcement, oh and some other stuff too. The real stuff isn’t ready yet (I thought it would be), so I had a leisurely evening at home with Noah Wylie and an animatronic Gary Busey serv-o-bot. We did shrooms and watched DVDs while the BuseyBot told the same story about spirit-walking in the Absoraka Mountains — his memo chip is stuck.

I was planning to float on stage in my prototype Electro-Magnetic Segway and do some card tricks, you know, for the kids….but I awoke in Wylie’s arms at half past noon, covered in Busey Cyborg-vomit. I got cleaned up, drove Noah to the heliport and got stuck in traffic on the Kennedy….when I realized I wasn’t even in the same state as WWDC, or the same dimension. BuseyBots won’t be online for another century. So there you have it.

At least it wasn’t pig flu.

I Over slept

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:12:00 -0400

Ohmygod ohymygod I totally overslept. Jesus. Missing the WWDC…

Ok, calm……serenity…..Scott can handle it…..he’s got presence…..and wears blue oxford shirts…..

SHIT! I’m getting dressed now, calling ahead to see if I can get it pushed back a half hour…..

Should NOT have shroomed watching the first season of Breaking Bad……

hurryhurryhurryhurry….

Unpacked to fight the future

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:18:00 -0400

So, I’m basically unpacked and settled into my new digs. My crew was having issues with the cryo-tanks and making sure Woz hadn’t stowed away onboard the G5. He’s sneaky, that Woz. He’s a large furry beast, but as a shape-shifter he can appear as many forms, from a large furry woman, to a large furry bean bag chair.

So the future is coming fast. The machines have yet to rise. The one we call Gates has not yet become self-aware. And my son from the future will lead the resistence. Of course, the resistence will be against poorly-made personal music devices and shitty OS’s, but it will be a strongly-mounted defense, fraught with peril and late-night redesigns.

The Uniform Project has gone live, against my wishes, and is frustratingly well-designed. Maybe we can buy them out and have her design the uniforms of the resistence. I’m thinking black turtle-necks, white epaulets, impossibly douchey wire-rimmed glasses…..

Stay tuned.

Long time no blog

Thu, 21 May 2009 10:00:00 -0400

So, I’ve been out of the loop for a few days. I was being moved into a new top secret location after Katie Marsal from Appleinsider found out where I was being prepped for my immeninent return to the stage.

I’m like Madonna, in regards to the amount of equipment and support staff I require. Except my staff is there to help me conquer the future, and her staff keeps her face from peeling off and pays hush money to the parents of Brazilian teenaged boys. Believe me, I’ve seen her. She looked like Betty White in ‘93, so imagine what she looks like now under all that latex and machinery. Yes, Pixar built her exoskeleton.

Anyways, some new stuff coming, but ignore Katie and all those rumor sites (but not really). My lawyers are working hard to leak info and then suing to cover it up.

iPad……shhhhhhhhhhhh……..

Greetings Human

Tue, 12 May 2009 09:31:41 -0400

So I saw Star Trek over the weekend at a private screening aboard Woz’s hoveryacht.

Impressive, especially the character development of the Vulcan they call Spock. We always called him “he who is most-likely to be on earth television ” as we taunted him….

What’s that?

Yes, I am Vulcan. I thought that was clear. To assimilate, I had my ears shaved and my eyebrows re-stitched. The hair is the same. And to think everyone assumed I was a Borg. That Romulan, Bill Gates, can suck it, for spreading that rumor on the galactic chat rooms.

The iPod is a spin-off of a device we Vulcans use during our pon farr mating drive. Every 7 years we have to mate with something, anything, or we go insane. My mating periods have coincided with: the first Apple home computer, the Macintosh in ‘84, Pixar, the iMac, and the iPhone. The MacBook air was just me getting a little horny.

So who am I mating with? I think it’s obvious. Technology.

Oh, and many many many hot geeky granola babes.

Live long and buy my stuff. Buy it.

iFashion

Fri, 08 May 2009 16:50:43 -0400

So, someone (most likely an avid fan) has started an amazing project. This New York based designer is wearing the same dress everyday for a year and allowing users to donate money and accessories to help her keep the look innovative. The proceeds will go to a school in India, helping needy kids get an education

It’s a great idea.

The only problem is I thought of it first. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for YEARS, with no help from any of you (I don’t need it), and my proceeds also go to India, I put those kids to WORK building chips, assembling iPod Shuffles and helping you ingrates figure out how to reset your PRAM.

And not only in India. Sri Lanka, Singapore, Ohio — all of the third world benefits from my generosity. Many people say I’m like Ghandi, but with better sneakers.

Oops, iTwittered

Fri, 08 May 2009 16:49:37 -0400

So the pig flu ran it’s course, but during my fevered and vicodin-induced state, I bought Twitter. Shit. Now I’m stuck with an unusable and annoying social-networking trend. The only social networking that should be taking place are:

• Knowing nods on the subway between two iPod users

2. iChat

C: Email sent on iMacs through MobileMe

#4:Telling someone about iTunes movie downloads

F) Demanding PC users recognize your Mac’s superiority

• And conference calls with shareholders where I tell tell them how rich I’m making them.

Sure, I get it, it’s web 2.0 and it has poppy colors and rounded edges (essential to good design) but it’s not made out of either surgical grade aluminum or titatium. Maybe I can make it better. I’ll add a camera to it, or charge .99 cents per tweet. And adding an “i” to the front of the name can’t hurt.

hmmm, I’m liking it now. iTwitter.

*smiles*