April 26, 2010

Thanks, Grey

My new bestest friend, Grey Powell, really came through in a jam for me. He totally took the fall for me losing that iPhone 4 prototype that doesn’t exist so stop talking about it.

And when I say fall, I mean he took the fall. Our East German lawyers dropped him from a 3 story window. Not enough to kill, just shattered both femurs, and then he had to crawl 100 yards over a pile of glass and rock salt to kiss the impeccably groomed feet of yours truly. It’s a standard HR practice for employee reprimand here at the Apple.

But now he’s back at work, programming away in a full body cast. Meanwhile, I’ve hired the State Police to harass everyone who had anything to do with the leak. Even you, valued reader. If you’ve talked about it, twatted about it, posted it on your facewall, sent a note to that girl you like about it, or even heard some story in passing about about a leaked product from Apple —but have no idea what it is— you’ll be rounded up and questioned and then forced to sit through 10 hours of Basic iLife tutorials at your nearest Apple Store Labor Camp. At that point Suicide will seem like sweet escape. And you’ll embrace death’s warm bosom as you step into the void….