October 2011
1 post
I will be with you. Always.
I was the best. Edison can suck it. Lightbulbs are terrible. Ford? An anti-semitic hack. Zuckerberg? You mean the Winklevoss brothers?
I rocked. I invented the future and gave it to you. Everything you dreamed technology could be was handed to you in beveled seamless titanium, white plastic, and without Flash. I put songs in your pocket. I made apps delicious. I made touching glass fun again.
...
May 2010
1 post
Whoa! Back up the bus!
According to Yahoo I’m not cool anymore. They said I’m like an old man yelling at kids in my yard. How did this happen? Was it when I sued my dry cleaner for 3 billion (and won) for shrinking one of my turtlenecks? Was it when I stopped freebasing mocaine?
Some people are blaming me for stealing all that blogger’s stuff. Or hating on Flash. Or banning nipples in the app store.
...
April 2010
4 posts
Thoughts on Flash
Apple has a long relationship with Adobe. I ‘shroomed with those homos at the first Burning Man in ‘86. It was me, Larry Harvey, Penn Gillette, Corey Feldman, Buddy from “Charles in Charge” and the Adobe guys. We were trippin balls ‘til the break of dawn.
So Flash sucks. It’s complicated and hard to learn. I just wanted an animated website featuring my cats...
You've been served
My minions in the DA’s office in San Mateo are hard at work. They got a warrant so I and my crack squad of black-baggers could ransack Jason Chen’s house.
We got it ALL. I’m talking 3 sweet MacBook Pros, A big ‘ol Seagate drive filled with raw footage of some bullshit documentary he’s working on and pics of his wife and family (posting them up soon). An HP MediaSmart...
Thanks, Grey
My new bestest friend, Grey Powell, really came through in a jam for me. He totally took the fall for me losing that iPhone 4 prototype that doesn’t exist so stop talking about it.
And when I say fall, I mean he took the fall. Our East German lawyers dropped him from a 3 story window. Not enough to kill, just shattered both femurs, and then he had to crawl 100 yards over a pile of glass and rock...
Give it back now
So I was Speeder Biking with Noah Wylie and Lucas last week up in the Redwoods. We got pretty parched and stopped in at a local Speeder Biker Bar, you know the one off Route 35? Forest Moondance Diner?
Anyhoo, I lost something, something really really really secret. Tim Cook has threatened to repossess my iLiver and lock me out of the executive bathroom and spa. So if you could be a dear and...
January 2010
4 posts
Gotcha!
Sooooo burned. You all are soooo burned. LOLZ.
iPad. Seriously? It’s a giant iPhone. Get it? I almost did this:
but then that would’ve been better than the actual iPad, cause you could actually run more than one app at a time.
So you are pissed that the iPad sucks, and frankly, I could give a half a shit. It sucks balls but I’m rich as hell and you will hand me your monies for...
Leaked Picture of Apple Tablet
So someone leaked photos claiming to be the iTab. But it’s not it.
**sigh**
Ok. Here it goes. Here’s the official pic of the new Apple Tablet Computer in action.
It’s much larger than you thought it’d be right? F**k yeah it is. 2010 is bigger baby.
We’re doin’ it HUUUUGE this year at Apple. Bam. Rodney Style.
Hi Rey
Hi
I know you’re refreshing this page. A lot. But you gotta cut me some slack. I type very slowly. I’ve got tiny hands. And a new tiny plush liver.
Pound it out
Hey Bitchezzzz. Thought I forgot about you? Well, no, Papa Steve’s been bizzy. I’ve been dreaming up awesomeness for you to worship and fork over the kizz-cash.
It’s called…..the iTab……and yes, it’s a tablet computer…….no not that kind. It’s a asprin-based tab you swallow and it turns you into a human touch pad. Want to launch and App?...
September 2009
1 post
I'm back bitchez
So I strolled out to a standing O this morning. And of course it lasted nearly an hour. Why shouldn’t it?
So, I’ve been busy big time in the last month, creating many new toys, reinventing the future’s future. I had reinvented it 18 months ago, but wasn’t happy with it, so I sent it back for a redesign. Since my ovation lasted so long, there were several announcements that...
August 2009
1 post
A lucky winner
A lucky young lady from Liverpool (a misleadingly named town) found the first lucky exploding iPhone. She wins a 3 day trip to Cupertino with the 5 other lucky kids who will also find exloding iphones. At the factory, they’ll meet the wozaloompas and ride on the chocolate river….not really. They’ll meet some overworked programmers and some chinese laborers toiling in our data...
July 2009
1 post
Long time, my friends
Hi all,
I tell you what, having some time to reflect gives one a new outlook on liver. It’s not how much money you have (a shit ton), how many ways you’ve defined the century (many times over), it’s all about making sure the liver you give equals the liver you get.
Liver.
So I got a new Liver. Which is cool. I didn’t need it, it’s just important to have backup. We...
June 2009
3 posts
So what
So sue me, our stock is down 4 points because I didn’t lope onto the stage and steal the show from Scott and Phil.
It was just an iPhone 3GS announcement, oh and some other stuff too. The real stuff isn’t ready yet (I thought it would be), so I had a leisurely evening at home with Noah Wylie and an animatronic Gary Busey serv-o-bot. We did shrooms and watched DVDs while the BuseyBot...
I Over slept
Ohmygod ohymygod I totally overslept. Jesus. Missing the WWDC…
Ok, calm……serenity…..Scott can handle it…..he’s got presence…..and wears blue oxford shirts…..
SHIT! I’m getting dressed now, calling ahead to see if I can get it pushed back a half hour…..
Should NOT have shroomed watching the first season of Breaking Bad……
...
Unpacked to fight the future
So, I’m basically unpacked and settled into my new digs. My crew was having issues with the cryo-tanks and making sure Woz hadn’t stowed away onboard the G5. He’s sneaky, that Woz. He’s a large furry beast, but as a shape-shifter he can appear as many forms, from a large furry woman, to a large furry bean bag chair.
So the future is coming fast. The machines have yet to...
May 2009
8 posts
Long time no blog
So, I’ve been out of the loop for a few days. I was being moved into a new top secret location after Katie Marsal from Appleinsider found out where I was being prepped for my immeninent return to the stage.
I’m like Madonna, in regards to the amount of equipment and support staff I require. Except my staff is there to help me conquer the future, and her staff keeps her face from...
Greetings Human
So I saw Star Trek over the weekend at a private screening aboard Woz’s hoveryacht.
Impressive, especially the character development of the Vulcan they call Spock. We always called him “he who is most-likely to be on earth television ” as we taunted him….
What’s that?
Yes, I am Vulcan. I thought that was clear. To assimilate, I had my ears shaved and my eyebrows...
iFashion
So, someone (most likely an avid fan) has started an amazing project. This New York based designer is wearing the same dress everyday for a year and allowing users to donate money and accessories to help her keep the look innovative. The proceeds will go to a school in India, helping needy kids get an education
It’s a great idea.
The only problem is I thought of it first. I’ve been wearing the...
Oops, iTwittered
So the pig flu ran it’s course, but during my fevered and vicodin-induced state, I bought Twitter. Shit. Now I’m stuck with an unusable and annoying social-networking trend. The only social networking that should be taking place are:
• Knowing nods on the subway between two iPod users
2. iChat
C: Email sent on iMacs through MobileMe
#4:Telling someone about iTunes movie downloads
F) Demanding...
For Your Health
I believe in the healing power of natural medicine. Yoga, various teas, and meditation can cure anything. Unless I’m sick, in which case I have very high-paid doctors to inject me with B12 and Icelandic Thyroid Extract.
I’m also a strong advocate of exercise. Did you know you burn 5 calories every time you tell someone else to exercise? I’ll never forget my first time thinking about running a...
iPhone to the rescue
So I ordered this app developed so all you mere mortals can track the great swine flu freakout of 09.
I’m cured though. I beat it with technology. It’s called orange juice, a vegan diet and handfulls of vicodin. Feeling much more cupcake than before. Have has.
Hmm?
Oh, sorry. Anyhoo, the main point is this: I will live forever and all you mouth-breathers will download all my useful...
April 2009
13 posts
Thanks Mexico
As you know, we manufacture the “caps lock” key for our keboards at a facility outside of Guadalajara, Mexico. Their main method of transporting machine parts and mixing the rubberized plastic composite for the molds, is pigs.
Pig power.
So I was down there this weekend, touring the plant, basically making life even more hellish for the employees, when one of the worker pigs...
Loooong Weekend
Hey all,
Been a while, I know, I know. I took a much deserved break and spent a long weekend in Sarasota, Florida. Great town. Sammy’s Krab Katch has the best soft-shell this side of the Chesapeake. And you can get a reasonably priced room at the Days Inn. They have a waffle station at the continental breakfast buffet. Amazing…..
Seriously, I f**king hate Florida. I would NEVER step...
Ok, I'm sorry
Jeez. Yeah, I came up with the BabyShaker App. So what. Yeah, you shake a baby. It’s an educational tool for expecting teen mothers who want to try out shaking a baby on their iPod Touch before the real one gets here.
It’s called BETA testing, people!!
I also have one on homeless-bashing, seal-clubbing, midget-tossing, and glosticks (if you have 2 iPhones, they light up and you dance...
Greetings Earth Day Humans
As the planet warms and acid-filled batteries melt into the ocean, turning our world into a noxious hell-scape free from hope and fresh tomatoes, ordinary people do their part by re-using paper cups and planting a shitty garden.
Not me though, I’ll be escaping into the stellarsphere to my new homeplanet in the Crab Nebula. Rick Branson and I went in on a timehare overlooking a beautiful...
iThin
A lot of rumors going around about me. How I’m too thin. Well, maybe you’re all too fat. After all, Fatties are destoying the planet. I have a metabolic imbalance, it’s called “I don’t eat every f**king thing in front of my face and then top it off with a pint of haagen-dazs and a Big Gulp-osis”.
No, but seriously, I’m feeling good.
I’m slowly...
myTunes
I originally wanted to start all my product names with “my” like myMac, myPod, mySpace…..wait…..
Because all my products are belong to me. You only pay to rent them. I think up HUGE amazing ideas and you give me your monies to borrow them for a while. It’s not yourTunes, it’s MYtunes biotch!!! and I know what you’ve been listening too. Effing Coldplay...
Namaste Monday
Whew, what a weekend. I was shrooming with Noah Wylie from friday ‘til about 5 minutes ago. We ended up crashing MIA at Coachella and crowd-surfed. I signed a few iPhones and generally sweated my ass off. It’s not like I need to get thinner, but the sweating was great. It’s like that Navajo Sweat lodge I used to attend with Larry Ellison. Except with less peyote and unwelcomed...
New Product
Did you know the best design involves a reflected floor? Wherever I stand, I always cast a reflection—whether I’m standing in sand, grass, or walking on water.
The new Macbook Lithium not only floats and follows you wherever you go, but it casts a reflection. It also adds rounded edges and reflections to every file you put on the machine.
Imagine listening to “Imagine” with a...
The Thinking
I’m always thinking. Always. It doesn’t stop. Unlike wearing bow ties. That stopped.
Not only did I think up the iPhone (neat huh?), I thought up Pixar. I thought up animated robots that look real, toys that go on adventures, and bugs with lives. Incredibles.
I thought up a computer named Lisa and a daughter with the same name.
I thought up something that holds music and love and...
The Look
People are always asking me: “Hey Steve, why the black mock turtle neck and Levis with running shoes?” and then I’m always firing them….just kidding…..but no, seriously, they’re fired.
So I should explain, The Buddha teaches that technology and the craving of technology is the path to enlightenment, and the more songs you can hold in your heart (and your...
Oh Hi
Welcome.
Apologies on long silence, been working towards a lot of huge unbelivable things to come. Feeling great. Not thin, just very healthy and fit, beyond that of a mere mortal.
Pretty Cool, Huh?