PlushJobs

I'm back bitchez

So I strolled out to a standing O this morning. And of course it lasted nearly an hour. Why shouldn’t it?

So, I’ve been busy big time in the last month, creating many new toys, reinventing the future’s future. I had reinvented it 18 months ago, but wasn’t happy with it, so I sent it back for a redesign. Since my ovation lasted so long, there were several announcements that we couldn’t make due to time running out.

1. The beatles catalog on iTunes. F them, they’re not good enough for itunes. Have you actually ever listened to a Beatles song? They’re awful. Horrible drumming. Horrible lyrics. “Let it Be”? I will NOT let it be! That’s Bill’s motto. Let it be….terrible. Beatles turtlenecks=good, actual Beatles music=gut-wrenching lameness.

2. New hire at Apple. I’m happy to announce Christopher Walken will be joining us as Chief Enforcement Officer. What will he enforce? What WON”T he enforce. I’ve hired him to whip me into shape, terrorize the interns, de-lint my turtlenecks, deliver drugs to the programmers, and track down that Skag Baron Savage Henry.

Look for an announcement from Chris soon. Go F yourself, San Diego.

A lucky winner

A lucky young lady from Liverpool (a misleadingly named town) found the first lucky exploding iPhone. She wins a 3 day trip to Cupertino with the 5 other lucky kids who will also find exloding iphones. At the factory, they’ll meet the wozaloompas and ride on the chocolate river….not really. They’ll meet some overworked programmers and some chinese laborers toiling in our data mines.

She’s complained that I’m trying to shut her up about the exploding iPhone. Not true. I just don’t want her saying bad things about the iPhone, me, Apple, my appearance, my ego, or my new jeans. As long as she conveys her excitement, and her gratitude, and there’s not another living soul within 50 miles, she can say whatever she wants.

Long time, my friends

Hi all,

I tell you what, having some time to reflect gives one a new outlook on liver. It’s not how much money you have (a shit ton), how many ways you’ve defined the century (many times over), it’s all about making sure the liver you give equals the liver you get.

Liver.

So I got a new Liver. Which is cool. I didn’t need it, it’s just important to have backup. We all have two kidneys for a reason. two testicles. At least two brains. Why not two livers?

But that’s old news.

The new news is all this talk about how awesome I am, and how much Bing sucks. Bing? For reals? You named a search engine after Chandler from “Friends”. He never found anything, especially not true love.

I’m not scared by “Chrome” either. Ask me again in 1988, when it might be a good idea…….(actually, it’s not bad…shhhhhhh)

So what

So sue me, our stock is down 4 points because I didn’t lope onto the stage and steal the show from Scott and Phil.

It was just an iPhone 3GS announcement, oh and some other stuff too. The real stuff isn’t ready yet (I thought it would be), so I had a leisurely evening at home with Noah Wylie and an animatronic Gary Busey serv-o-bot. We did shrooms and watched DVDs while the BuseyBot told the same story about spirit-walking in the Absoraka Mountains — his memo chip is stuck.

I was planning to float on stage in my prototype Electro-Magnetic Segway and do some card tricks, you know, for the kids….but I awoke in Wylie’s arms at half past noon, covered in Busey Cyborg-vomit. I got cleaned up, drove Noah to the heliport and got stuck in traffic on the Kennedy….when I realized I wasn’t even in the same state as WWDC, or the same dimension. BuseyBots won’t be online for another century. So there you have it.

At least it wasn’t pig flu.

I Over slept

Ohmygod ohymygod I totally overslept. Jesus. Missing the WWDC…

Ok, calm……serenity…..Scott can handle it…..he’s got presence…..and wears blue oxford shirts…..

SHIT! I’m getting dressed now, calling ahead to see if I can get it pushed back a half hour…..

Should NOT have shroomed watching the first season of Breaking Bad……

hurryhurryhurryhurry….

Unpacked to fight the future

So, I’m basically unpacked and settled into my new digs. My crew was having issues with the cryo-tanks and making sure Woz hadn’t stowed away onboard the G5. He’s sneaky, that Woz. He’s a large furry beast, but as a shape-shifter he can appear as many forms, from a large furry woman, to a large furry bean bag chair.

So the future is coming fast. The machines have yet to rise. The one we call Gates has not yet become self-aware. And my son from the future will lead the resistence. Of course, the resistence will be against poorly-made personal music devices and shitty OS’s, but it will be a strongly-mounted defense, fraught with peril and late-night redesigns.

The Uniform Project has gone live, against my wishes, and is frustratingly well-designed. Maybe we can buy them out and have her design the uniforms of the resistence. I’m thinking black turtle-necks, white epaulets, impossibly douchey wire-rimmed glasses…..

Stay tuned.

Long time no blog

So, I’ve been out of the loop for a few days. I was being moved into a new top secret location after Katie Marsal from Appleinsider found out where I was being prepped for my immeninent return to the stage.

I’m like Madonna, in regards to the amount of equipment and support staff I require. Except my staff is there to help me conquer the future, and her staff keeps her face from peeling off and pays hush money to the parents of Brazilian teenaged boys. Believe me, I’ve seen her. She looked like Betty White in ‘93, so imagine what she looks like now under all that latex and machinery. Yes, Pixar built her exoskeleton.

Anyways, some new stuff coming, but ignore Katie and all those rumor sites (but not really). My lawyers are working hard to leak info and then suing to cover it up.

iPad……shhhhhhhhhhhh……..

Greetings Human

So I saw Star Trek over the weekend at a private screening aboard Woz’s hoveryacht.

Impressive, especially the character development of the Vulcan they call Spock. We always called him “he who is most-likely to be on earth television ” as we taunted him….

What’s that?

Yes, I am Vulcan. I thought that was clear. To assimilate, I had my ears shaved and my eyebrows re-stitched. The hair is the same. And to think everyone assumed I was a Borg. That Romulan, Bill Gates, can suck it, for spreading that rumor on the galactic chat rooms.

The iPod is a spin-off of a device we Vulcans use during our pon farr mating drive. Every 7 years we have to mate with something, anything, or we go insane. My mating periods have coincided with: the first Apple home computer, the Macintosh in ‘84, Pixar, the iMac, and the iPhone. The MacBook air was just me getting a little horny.

So who am I mating with? I think it’s obvious. Technology.

Oh, and many many many hot geeky granola babes.

Live long and buy my stuff. Buy it.

iFashion

It’s a great idea.

The only problem is I thought of it first. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for YEARS, with no help from any of you (I don’t need it), and my proceeds also go to India, I put those kids to WORK building chips, assembling iPod Shuffles and helping you ingrates figure out how to reset your PRAM.

And not only in India. Sri Lanka, Singapore, Ohio — all of the third world benefits from my generosity. Many people say I’m like Ghandi, but with better sneakers.

Oops, iTwittered

So the pig flu ran it’s course, but during my fevered and vicodin-induced state, I bought Twitter. Shit. Now I’m stuck with an unusable and annoying social-networking trend. The only social networking that should be taking place are:

• Knowing nods on the subway between two iPod users

2. iChat

C: Email sent on iMacs through MobileMe

#4:Telling someone about iTunes movie downloads

F) Demanding PC users recognize your Mac’s superiority

• And conference calls with shareholders where I tell tell them how rich I’m making them.

Sure, I get it, it’s web 2.0 and it has poppy colors and rounded edges (essential to good design) but it’s not made out of either surgical grade aluminum or titatium. Maybe I can make it better. I’ll add a camera to it, or charge .99 cents per tweet. And adding an “i” to the front of the name can’t hurt.

hmmm, I’m liking it now. iTwitter.

*smiles*