October 6, 2011

I will be with you. Always.

I was the best. Edison can suck it. Lightbulbs are terrible. Ford? An anti-semitic hack. Zuckerberg? You mean the Winklevoss brothers? 

I rocked. I invented the future and gave it to you. Everything you dreamed technology could be was handed to you in beveled seamless titanium, white plastic, and without Flash. I put songs in your pocket. I made apps delicious. I made touching glass fun again.

Occupy Wall Street? On October 14th, they’ll be occupying the Apple Store in the West Village. 

My influence will be felt for generations. Or at least until we devolve into an idiocracy of soft rotund idiots. But that’s not for another few months. 

The company I invented twice has more cash on hand than the federal government. We have a kindly old man from Omaha who mows and tends the grounds at One Infinite Loop, dressed in green overalls with his name stitched above his breast pocket “Warren”.

Face it. There’s no one else like me. Not even close. Part Ghandi, part Tesla, part Kubrick, a heaping of DaVinci, and a dash of Jesus. There won’t be another me. The Universe isn’t cool enough.

So whenever you log on to your MacBook at Starbucks, with Lil Wayne cranking on your iPhone 4S, and hook into iCloud to download another episode of 30 Rock and pretend to be “writing” your “novel”. I’ll be there in a translucent blue glow, swathed in robes, standing with Alec Guinness, nodding approvingly, letting you know that your idea for a novel sucks.

May 13, 2010

Whoa! Back up the bus!

According to Yahoo I’m not cool anymore. They said I’m like an old man yelling at kids in my yard. How did this happen? Was it when I sued my dry cleaner for 3 billion (and won) for shrinking one of my turtlenecks? Was it when I stopped freebasing mocaine?

Some people are blaming me for stealing all that blogger’s stuff. Or hating on Flash. Or banning nipples in the app store.

I blame Noah Wylie.

Since perception is 110% of everything, I’ve got to convince people I’m still cool. So, I’m starting this weekend by inviting Jason Chen over to the house for a BBQ. Maroon 5 is doing an acoustic performance and then we’re hitting the sweat lodge. I may even let him have one of his laptops back. And we’re gonna film it all and put it on facetube. Then I’m gonna crash a golf tournament will Bill Murray. Gallagher offered to let me smash some melons at a show in Tulsa next week.

Also, I’m donning some American Apparel chartreuse turtlenecks to go with my Thocks.

I still hate Flash, but Nipples are now welcome in the App store. “30 nips per second” will be the first approved app you can buy for $9.99.

Get off my lawn.

April 29, 2010

Thoughts on Flash

Apple has a long relationship with Adobe. I ‘shroomed with those homos at the first Burning Man in ‘86. It was me, Larry Harvey, Penn Gillette, Corey Feldman, Buddy from “Charles in Charge” and the Adobe guys. We were trippin balls ‘til the break of dawn.

So Flash sucks. It’s complicated and hard to learn. I just wanted an animated website featuring my cats re-enacting the Battle of Guadalcanal. I had to pay some arrogant hipster with giant headphones and a back-pack for his skateboard like 3 grand. And a bag of shrooms.

So no way am I allowing Flash on my iStuff. But Adobe and Apple will still be strong partners. I’ve decided that Animated GIFs are the future. They’re so funny, LOL ;)

So we’ll only be supporting Shockwave-developed apps and content on our mobile devices. Youtube, Netflix, HULU, Vimeo, are all furiously converting all of their content into low-k animated GIFs.

Conclusions:

Flash Sucks

Buddy from “Charles in Charge” still owes me 30 bucks for gas.

And the Future is 1996.

That is All.

Steve Jobs

April,2010

April 26, 2010

You’ve been served

My minions in the DA’s office in San Mateo are hard at work. They got a warrant so I and my crack squad of black-baggers could ransack Jason Chen’s house.

We got it ALL. I’m talking 3 sweet MacBook Pros, A big ‘ol Seagate drive filled with raw footage of some bullshit documentary he’s working on and pics of his wife and family (posting them up soon). An HP MediaSmart server loaded with all 5 seasons of “The Wire”, an “Alice in Wonderland” torrent, and a shit-load of Anime Tentacle-Porn. We also snagged a Samsung digital camera (I would’ve gone with the Canon PowerShot) loaded with some lame pics of a trip up to Napa. Yawn. Deleted. An iPad with not much on it except smudges. We got his wife’s iPhone left on the charger dock. I wonder if Jason has seen all those texts from Brian….hmmmm, Jason? We also took his collection of DC Comics vinyl action figures, a few watercolor prints, and the ice cube trays.

Most insulting was a Thinkpad. I Thinknot. What a traitor. I was gonna put everything back until I saw that lame-ass hunk of black plastic. I personally crushed it with my Segway, after I took an upperdecker in the guest bathroom.

So, in conclusion, all these items and more can be found on Ebay. Meanwhile, Grey and I are heading up to the Trailblazers/Suns game 5 with hotties Grey met on “Hot-or-Not”. Should be a bitchin’ time.

Thanks, Grey

My new bestest friend, Grey Powell, really came through in a jam for me. He totally took the fall for me losing that iPhone 4 prototype that doesn’t exist so stop talking about it.

And when I say fall, I mean he took the fall. Our East German lawyers dropped him from a 3 story window. Not enough to kill, just shattered both femurs, and then he had to crawl 100 yards over a pile of glass and rock salt to kiss the impeccably groomed feet of yours truly. It’s a standard HR practice for employee reprimand here at the Apple.

But now he’s back at work, programming away in a full body cast. Meanwhile, I’ve hired the State Police to harass everyone who had anything to do with the leak. Even you, valued reader. If you’ve talked about it, twatted about it, posted it on your facewall, sent a note to that girl you like about it, or even heard some story in passing about about a leaked product from Apple —but have no idea what it is— you’ll be rounded up and questioned and then forced to sit through 10 hours of Basic iLife tutorials at your nearest Apple Store Labor Camp. At that point Suicide will seem like sweet escape. And you’ll embrace death’s warm bosom as you step into the void….

April 19, 2010

Give it back now

So I was Speeder Biking with Noah Wylie and Lucas last week up in the Redwoods. We got pretty parched and stopped in at a local Speeder Biker Bar, you know the one off Route 35? Forest Moondance Diner?

Anyhoo, I lost something, something really really really secret. Tim Cook has threatened to repossess my iLiver and lock me out of the executive bathroom and spa. So if you could be a dear and return it immediately. All you need to do is hold the home and volume up button for 10 seconds and it’ll fly home on it’s own.

A reward will be considered. Perhaps a dip in the plasma baths at my estate. Or a photo opportunity with me and my Cyborg Serv-o-bot, Gary Busey. Or I’ll enable Flash to work on just your personal iPad. Think of the possibilities. An entire army of child-programmers at Adobe developing Flash games and content just for you.

So, please, for the love of god, return the thing. I don’t want it getting out that we’ve outsourced our industrial design to a marketing team from Nokia and Palm. At least not until after the cover-up, frame-job, show-trial, and press conference where I say how sad it is that Tim Cook is going to jail for a long long time.

Oh did I mention that? Sorry. Jony Ive may be about to be “killed” on “accident” by “me” during a disagreement over the outcome of a game of Jenga. Stay tuned for me not getting charged with anything.

January 28, 2010

Gotcha!

Sooooo burned. You all are soooo burned. LOLZ.

iPad. Seriously? It’s a giant iPhone. Get it? I almost did this:

but then that would’ve been better than the actual iPad, cause you could actually run more than one app at a time.

So you are pissed that the iPad sucks, and frankly, I could give a half a shit. It sucks balls but I’m rich as hell and you will hand me your monies for this……thing……that I came up with while I was baked on……liver medicine. Noah Wylie scores the best liver medicine.

Next up? NanoPad. All the functionality of the iPad, but almost 75% smaller…..

January 27, 2010

Leaked Picture of Apple Tablet

So someone leaked photos claiming to be the iTab. But it’s not it.

**sigh**

Ok. Here it goes. Here’s the official pic of the new Apple Tablet Computer in action.

It’s much larger than you thought it’d be right? F**k yeah it is. 2010 is bigger baby.

We’re doin’ it HUUUUGE this year at Apple. Bam. Rodney Style.

Hi Rey

Hi

I know you’re refreshing this page. A lot. But you gotta cut me some slack. I type very slowly. I’ve got tiny hands. And a new tiny plush liver.

Pound it out

Hey Bitchezzzz. Thought I forgot about you? Well, no, Papa Steve’s been bizzy. I’ve been dreaming up awesomeness for you to worship and fork over the kizz-cash.

It’s called…..the iTab……and yes, it’s a tablet computer…….no not that kind. It’s a asprin-based tab you swallow and it turns you into a human touch pad. Want to launch and App? Rub your nipples. You can see where I’m going with this. Let’s just say your battery will be a little tricky and hilarious to recharge.

The price? Give me all you got.